Rethinking Change: Practice #2

Note: This is the second in a series exploring practices I’ve found transformative both personally and in my work with clients. You can read my introductory post about practice here.

Try This

Make a tight fist with one hand. With the other hand, try to undo it by pulling at it. Tell that fist (if you’re alone, you can do this out loud) that it’s time to stop being a fist. Notice what happens—likely, not much.

Now, make a tight fist again. This time, gently cradle it with your other hand, resting it in your lap. Bring an attitude of curiosity, interest, and compassion. You might even apply gentle pressure, as if supporting the fist to remain closed. If you’re alone, you can acknowledge the work it has done for you. Notice what happens.

Most people who do this exercise feel the fist gradually release as it is gently held. The longer you sit with it this way, the more it softens. You might also notice your whole body relaxing.

Unpacking It

You’ve just done a practice I learned during my training with the Strozzi Institute for Embodied Leadership. It’s both a way to let go in the moment and a metaphor that can help us shift the way we approach change and evolution. It offers a way to work on our goals and commitments that challenges how we typically think about change.  In this post I’ll unpack this practice—and consider ways to apply its lessons to your personal development efforts.

Round One: Forcing Change

The first part of the practice demonstrates what happens when we push hard to make something happen. Our attempts to force change show up in many ways. For some of us, it might be the harsh and insistent inner critic telling us that what we’re doing is bad, useless, and not serving us. For others, it’s the part of us that is impatient and frustrated with our slow progress.

What you notice when you try to force a fist to open is that it works even harder to stay tight and closed. It’s almost like it doubles down on being a fist. “You want me gone? I’ll show you. I’ve worked hard to be here. You need me. No way!” The thing is—it’s not wrong. Often, the parts that frustrate us are parts that have served us, and that have protected us in the past. They still believe that they are needed. When we push them to change without acknowledging and appreciating the role they’ve played in getting us to where we are, they will likely resist change—tighten in the face of our efforts to reduce or erase them.

Round Two: Holding Gently

In round two we do something different and even radical. We acknowledge that the fist has supported us and we allow it to be exactly as it is. We don’t try to change it. We don’t make it wrong. Almost magically, when it feels accepted, it begins to release. When it knows its hard work on our behalf is recognized, it can loosen its grip and let us try out other ways of being that might better serve us in this moment.

Applying the Practice

The fist practice provides important insight into what is happening when we want to make a change—but nothing changes. There’s a very good chance that something in us is fighting against the change—defending what has worked in the past (sometimes the very distant past) and needs to be acknowledged and accepted before that part of us allows us to try new ways of being.

When I work with clients, I often hear the things that they want to be different about how they lead, how they show up, how they react under pressure—and frustration with their current ways of operating. It’s precisely then that I offer this practice. It allows us to explore how our ways of operating until now have supported us and kept us safe. Once that is acknowledged we create space for trying new and different ways of operating.

Making The Practice Practical

I used to (and sometimes I still) interrupt more than I wanted to. I felt frustrated with my impatience, it felt obnoxious and even arrogant, and yet I kept doing it. When I applied this practice, sitting gently with that part of me, I was able to appreciate that my interruptions weren’t just a bad habit—they were ensuring I was heard, preventing me from feeling invisible. I also experienced the excited, engaged, childlike, caring part of me behind them.

Once I accepted and appreciated this, I could assess its cost—how it affected others and got in the way of me being the kind of leader and listener I wanted to be. From there I could start gently noticing the urge to interrupt before I interrupted—and make wise choices about what I did want to do or not do. I knew that at times I could use this behavior for good. Sometimes interrupting is a kind and useful move.

Your Turn

Think about a habit you’ve been struggling to change. Instead of resisting it, try appreciating what it has been taking care of. Some examples I’ve seen in clients recently include not speaking up in meetings, speaking too much, being too blunt, not being candid enough, being too controlling, and not taking a stand. 

Begin by appreciating that thing that you’ve been trying to change. Ask it what it’s been taking care of and genuinely appreciate those things.

Once you’ve done this and hopefully shifted your relationship with that “wrong” behavior, you can think about how that behavior has gotten in the way—even here, try to be gentle and not punishing.

Finally, think about something you can try over the next few days. Perhaps you can simply notice when you do and don’t speak up, when you are and aren’t comfortable providing feedback. Beginning with non-judgmental noticing can be surprisingly powerful. You’re likely to start moving from “just noticing” to acting differently.

Concluding Thoughts

One of my teachers at the Strozzi Institute, Nathan Shara, described the power of this practice:

“Rather than writing that same ending to the story over and over again, we can choose. “Oh, here I am, doing that thing. Let me go a different way instead.”

As we start to do that, we’re able to develop new stories about the future, to develop stronger relationships with people, that we have more capacity to communicate, to coordinate… and that fundamentally we have a deeper capacity to listen to ourselves and to others.”

I hope that you find value in the practice—both as a way to relax in those moments when you find yourself tensing and as way to think about and work with engrained habits.

And a final note. While this post has focused exclusively on personal change, the same principles apply to the way we lead and especially the way we give feedback. When we ask someone else to shift something in the way that they are behaving, it can be helpful to acknowledge the value of the behavior we are asking them to shift. When we do this, we can help them reduce their resistance to our feedback and to change.

Happy Practicing!