One of the emphases in the somatic coaching program I’m now immersed in is making powerful declarations that orient us towards a vision of what is possible. This kind of declaration or commitment anchors our growth and development. One of the most critical pieces of the process of creating those commitments is having a strong why. One way of framing the “why” is to ask, “for the sake of what?”
At the end of the initial eight days I spent at the Strozzi Institute in Petaluma, I began working with an accountability buddy. Mine is a young man—at a very different phase in his life than I am in mine and whose declaration reflects that phase, just as my declaration reflects mine. Our job, as buddies, is to text each other regularly and report on whether we’ve completed our practices. These practices include the “standard” ones that the whole group took on such as centering, meditation and practicing an aikido kata as well as unique practices that we designed with our specific commitments in mind. My buddy and I began to discover, independently, on about Day Eight, that it was feeling like we were completing a checklist, doing our homework without a sense of purpose.
As luck would have it, I had a meeting with my program mentor just that day, and we had an opportunity to talk about practices and commitments. I shared the concern about practices becoming rote. His suggestion was to come back to the question “for the sake of what?” That simple addition made a big difference for both of us.Since that call, I’ve brought that awareness of purpose, my why, into practice and have both increased my commitment to the practice and the value in practicing.
My commitment is, ultimately, for the sake of living fully and wholly in this second half of my life. That is profoundly important to me. It’s also about being a more present coach, more skilled facilitator and writing more. Both the existential and the more practical “whys” that inform my commitment allow my practices to feel important and for me to prioritize them in my day.
In his last book, Smarter Faster Better, Charles Duhigg suggested that we tie the small items on our to-do lists to their larger purposes. Even at this granular level, the question of “for the sake of what” can be helpful. Last night I had to dive deep into tax preparation. I could no longer avoid it. Due to a year filled with hacked credit card accounts, I encountered a mess I was not anticipating and a spreadsheet of transactions that required hours more than usual to sort through. Even in the midst of this, I did my best to invoke a” why.” It involved my responsibility to my family and my commitment to be a good citizen. It helped a bit. (As did a glass of wine after I did as much as a could in one evening.) Same question, different scale.
This week I was working with a group of leaders, guiding them in a practice coaching conversation. The person being coached realized that the way to address a challenge he was facing was to slow down (note: when in doubt that’s almost always going to be the our most helpful response) and be sure that he asks questions early on that will allow him to avoid problems later on. When this became clear to him, instead of feeling that he was making progress in the conversation, he was agitated. He could not imagine himself being willing, in the moment, to do the opposite of what he knew was getting him to a result he didn’t want. The need to move quickly, to get things done under pressure felt too great. Slowing down felt nearly impossible. Here, too, the question “for the sake of what?” can help. When I asked: “For the sake of what would you slow down?” He said that it was for the sake of not doing rework later and for the sake of a good end product. He noticed that if he could actively invoke his “why” or “for the sake of what” in the moment, he could actually do what would get a better result. This small example also shows that, in the moment, our habitual patterns of behavior can be strong enough to override our desires for things to be different. Invoking our “why” can be a powerful tool in getting over that hump. (And, like all powerful tools, the key is to remember that it is available to you when you need it.)
So, the next time you set a goal or commitment for yourself or simply put item on your to-do list, take the time to ask yourself “for the sake of what does this matter?” Then, When the moment arises and it’s time to act, invoke your “why?” and see if it isn’t just a little bit easier to make the choice that serves you best.
[Note: This post is the third part of an ongoing series in which I’m sharing what I’m learning as I study somatic coaching at the Strozzi Institute. My first post, introducing the work can be found here and here’s my post on the practice of mood checks.Picture credit to my sister, Susan Hendel, who captured the super bloom in Joshua Tree. Seeing the photos and the immense beauty around us is a big part of my own “for the sake of what?” ]